Monday, October 5, 2009

Dear Hiring Manager

Dear Hiring Manager,

I want to express my interest in your job posting.

I have a bachelor's degree in a social science. I have no math skills or work experience.

I need:

$600 a month
a computer that is capable of high speed downloads without crashing
a couch to sleep on

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Valry Hensel


Winning cover letter, huh??

Totally kidding. I don't even have one.

I have been so busy with my classes and graduation paperwork that I haven't had any time to do more than look at job postings. Today, however, my afternoon class was canceled so straight after math class I headed to the library and got started. Three and a half hours later I'd applied to three jobs.

The nature of the applications requires a tremendous amount of work: separate application websites [registration for which requires things like a password with 2 upper case letters (out of a max of 15), 2 numbers, two special characters, and the blood of ten virgins], multiple questionnaires, document uploading. Of course by the time you've read half of the instructions for completing these processes you've been logged out and have to start over again. However, I've now got the hang of things, have several resumes to submit, and all of my transcripts are in order. Once some new positions open up it won't take me nearly as long to apply to them.

I ONLY applied to jobs that I actually want to work at. I figure there's plenty of time to get discouraged and sell myself short - may as well start by trying to get a job I don't hate, right? So far I've applied for an analyst position with the Department of the Navy, a mission support assistant for border control, and a management analyst for ......well, some government agency whose name escapes me. Basically a government HR firm. Ideally I'd get the Navy job and or the last job, mission support is unlikely because it's a LOT of clerical stuff that I've never formally done and thus can't prove I'm capable of doing. More than likely I'm going to get zero response from any of these submissions, and will apply to increasingly more job postings until it's March and I'm officially penniless and about to be sent to debtors prison because I'm unemployed and can't make my payments. At that point I'll be posting the following on Craigslist:


Dear Future Husband,

I want to express my interest in becoming your wife.

I have a bachelor's degree in a social science. I have no math skills or work experience.

I need:

$600 a month
a computer that is capable of high speed downloads without crashing
a couch to sleep on

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Valry Hensel