Okay, I finally got my stew meat to work. Six hours later.
Oh well, it was delicious and added a bit of depth to a flavorful but otherwise boring vegetable soup.
Now, for the chicken-fried steak recipe. Keep in mind I measure nothing. I'm a bit like Jack Sparrow in the kitchen. I'm calculated but flexible......
Steak: cube or round steaks. Smoosh with the palm or your hand (or a mallet or whatever) and then tenderize them with a fork for literally half an hour. You want to basically puncture every fiber. Make sure you flip over and get the other side. Rub salt and pepper into it and tenderize some more. Smoosh a bit, tenderize, etc.
Egg and some water - whip it good. Yes, like the song. Devo's awesome.
Batter: flour, salt, pepper, Mrs. Dash's seasoning, garlic salt, aaaaaand.......
Baking Soda. Baking soda will make fried stuff extra crispy.
Now, once the steaks are completely beat all to HECK, dip them in the egg/water mixture (usually recipes call for milk, but.....yeah, egg and water works fine), then in the batter mixture. Try to get as much of the batter to stick as you can. Lay the steak flat in a pan with just enough (medium-heated) oil to brim the edges of the top. Sprinkle some of the batter on top of the steak if you want, to give it extra...batter. Let it fry for a few minutes, then turn it over. You can keep flipping it until it's completely dark brown. I advise cutting into the meat to make sure it's cooked through, unless you're a professional meat fryer.
And that's pretty much it. Usually this dish is served with gravy (I think a sort of milk/sausage gravy type....) but I don't have any milk so I just had mine with ketchup.....which is just as good I think. It's fab with biscuits as well. The best biscuits on the planet are Bisquick. Awesome.
Another word of advise - make sure you Lysol the crap out of every surface in your house after working with meat. I cannot tell you how paranoid I am about that sort of thing. I don't have any Lysol on me, and though I wiped down every surface and washed my hands about 80 times while cooking, I'm still awaiting sudden death by e.coli or salmonizzle or whatever.