Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Why is it that women aren't allowed to have lust-crushes? When a fella gets a crush he spends his time thinking about his special lady wearing her pink-with-white-piping underpants beneath his slightly over sized button-down dress shirt. He pictures them in a delightful state of pre-coital excitement. In his mind's eye, she's gazing playfully up at him, perhaps gasping at his physique (regardless of his level of hairiness/flabbiness/pastiness/cleanliness, etc.) Girls, on the other hand, imagine a similar scene, only replacing pre-coital excitement with post-coital spooning, and gasping over the physique of a diamond engagement ring.

Or at least, that's what we are supposed to think.

Despite equal-rights movements (gender- and race-inspired), women are still expected to live up to a man's view of perfection. Most women STILL measure themselves against this view and grow despondent when they fail. The ideal woman is 5'6", with a large, perky rack, ample behind, 13" waist, and long, thick hair. She dresses in a conservative, yet sexy manner (i.e. tight jeans with no back pockets, and a button-down dress shirt that is, of course, slightly see-through to hint at the lace-clad goodies within). She laughs ONLY at the jokes her boyfriend tells, and speaks only compliments about his body ("Man boobs are SEXY!"); his job ("I've always wanted to date a night janitor!"); and his car ("I love jump-starting the car with you every morning!"). She never asks for flowers or gifts, always wears lingerie and makeup to bed, and is, of course, a virgin. She has never had any boyfriend before her current partner, and if she has he current boyfriend is, of course, FAR superior to the former.

What's the point of this ridiculous feminist rant? I'm sick of not being able to lust in peace! If ever I find a fella attractive they suddenly freeze up, thinking that I must (of course) want to marry them. Women surely want a white picket fence and little children, yes? It couldn't be that we just like to think about a young man's delicate lines and hairless features. We couldn't possibly enjoy zooming about town in their fancy cars, picturing them beneath us in the back seat. We couldn't possibly be AWARE of the fact that a certain pair of pants makes our backside look particularly round, nor would we ever intentionally wear miniscule undergarments in order to emphasize this roundness. No....we do everything by accident, and they alone are aware of lust and pert rumps. They alone are familiar with the urge to use hips as handles and run fingers through soft hair. And SURELY only men are capable of wanting all of this WITHOUT wanting to be in a relationship.

Those stchewpid barst'ds!