So a few hours ago I completed my first 24 hours alone in my new apartment. Mum and Katherine helped me move in on Friday (just a small car load). They hung out with me all day/night Friday and then most of the day Saturday. It was a BLAST to have them up here with me. I wasn't at all anxious about moving up here, living alone, or starting school, but for the first time EVER in my life, I was afraid of being lonely. I have spent my entire life feeling alone, since I struggle to find people who relate to/understand me, but I always hated being around people. They really irritated me, and I'd always rather be lost in a daydream than stuck in reality. That's changed over the last 4+ years, though. I've really learned to put things into a different perspective and treat relationships and situations in a more healthy manner.
The first hour or two after mum and Katherine left I was feeling quite blue and struggling not to cry. But then I put on a good series on my computer, took a hot bath, and really got into the groove of it all. My apartment is unbelievably massive and nice, Ellensburg has to be one of the coolest towns I've ever been in, and, most importantly, I am doing exactly what I planned to do. Up until 2 years ago my life consisted of daydreaming and occasionally being forced into the real world. I've recently learned to cope with reality, make goals, and achieve them. I realized this morning that I am living my daydream. Sure I'm not in a movie or riding horses on a huge farm or driving a fancy car, but I've been thinking about living here for months now, and about what I will do and where I will go after I'm through with this chapter in my life.
And now I'm really excited!
I have a car, live only a few hours from home, and I will graduate from college within 12 months. I can distract myself from the loneliness by keeping myself busy (movies, schoolwork, books, cooking, etc), cure the loneliness when I need to (home for weekends!), and in a few months will be moving on with life. It was a big deal for me to give up USC for CWU. It wasn't hard, as I had never committed to going to USC, but the decision was absolutely a paradigm shift. Everything I had EVER wanted was wrapped up in a neat little package, offered to me at no cost. I just don't want that anymore! I'm a timid, quiet person. I don't fantasize about the same things because I've had a taste of many of them and it was not appetizing. I prefer solitude, I prefer the luxury of calm that is Ellensburg to the tantalizing terror that is Los Angeles. I have no doubt that some day, possibly soon, I will end up in California. But it will be for the right reasons - not out of a sense of obligation or gratitude. It will be a choice.
And so, for the next year or so I will live in solitude in the middle of Washington, hopefully learning the things I need to be successful in the future, and perhaps even gain a desire to test out the "circus sideshow" down in SoCal!
I am now going to settle in and watch some fabulous Jane Austen adaptations on YouTube. Mum took a bunch of pictures of my apartment, so when she emails them to me I will post a few!
* Anyone who wants to visit me is welcome to do so. I have an entirely empty bedroom that's begging for company! There is even a charter bus that runs from SeaTac airport to a hotel in Ellensburg for $62 (roundtrip!). This means you can fly up, hop on a bus, and be in town by the time I'm out of class at noon and can come pick you up from the parking lot down the road!