Sunday, July 27, 2008

A Review. Period.

This blog is about periods, "feminine hygiene" products, and why it all sucks.

Every month or so females everywhere bleed from their vaginas. No, I can't put that more delicately. It's not a delicate process. It's gross, it's painful, and most of all it's a huge, messy inconvenience. In order to not get blood everywhere we have been presented with three options: menstrual cups, "feminine napkins", or pads as most call them, and tampons.

Menstrual cups are almost too disgusting to talk about. They are a more rigid version of a diaphragm and work roughly the same way. Instead of preventing semen from entering the cervix, however, they prevent blood from entering the vaginal canal. They fill up with blood, then you pull them out, empty them, wash them out, and replace them. The advantages here are that you can leave them in longer than tampons, they don't leak (as long as you put it in correctly - good luck with that), and they don't cause vaginal dryness. Convenient. Disgusting.

Pads are the easiest to use, but the most uncomfortable. As if cups that collect fluid aren't gross enough, pads absorb all the blood......and hold it up against your body. The advantages here are that you can usually go longer without a bathroom stop than you would if you had a tampon, and don't have to go around reaching inside yourself, pulling out a latex cup of blood, and dumping it out. You do, however, have to deal with the obvious grossities that come with having your vulva encased in a moist, bloody environment.

Then there are tampons. There are really three kinds of tampons: Tampax/generic, Playtex, and O.B. Tampax/generic tampons are the most crude form of tampons. They consist of cotton fiber wadded up around a string and usually don't fit and don't prevent leaks. Playtex tampons are slightly better. Both the applicators and the tampons themselves have better designs. However, despite how much they promote their "amazing leak protection", they leak.
The main design flaw in tampons is that, while they come in many different widths and absorbency levels, they don't come in different lengths. Vaginas are all roughly the same depth. Roughly doesn't mean exactly. Tampax/generic tampons absolutely do not work for me. Even when I put them in correctly they just don't fit properly.


These tiny, tiny tampons are the most amazing tampons in the universe. They are designed to expand almost like an umbrella. And umbrella of absorbent protection. They do not leak. Ever. I'm not kidding. You do not ever have to wear liners if you use O.B. tampons. You don't even have to think about wearing them. You don't even have to think about buying them. Liners? What are those?


There is one huge design flaw with O.B. tampons.

No. Applicator.

Once upon a time they produced O.B.s with applicators. But no longer. No. The best "feminine hygiene" products on the planet are the most ludicrously painful products to use. They recently released the new "pro comfort Silk-Touch" tampons. These are supposedly easier to get in because, instead of rough cotton, they are covered with smooth cotton. The design is actually better than the originals - more absorbent by far. But no matter WHAT their "tips and suggestions" for insertion say, there is no painless way to use these suckers. Girls who want to have a care-free method of keeping themselves clean are forced to ram a cotton bullet into their vaginas. Um.....ow. And iew.

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